I am a coffee person and I have always considered that having a cup of coffee is my “Me Time”. I feel more presence every time I am savoring a cup of coffee and it is a reward I am giving to myself for all the hard and meaningful work I am doing. I am a moderate coffee drinker, I’ll have at most 2 cups a day.
My bad lifestyle triggered anxiety and depression. I gave more importance to my career than myself and because of that my choice of foods were terrible. For decades, I was anxious and depressed. I did some research on the web and it was advised to stop caffeine for anxiety. Since then, I have been trying to stop caffeine. It was always an on and off effort. I’ll quit for a few days but only to start the caffeine again with excitement.
Some of the spiritual masters also suggest quitting caffeine. I also learned that caffeine interferes with brain synchronization and it is hard to achieve heart and brain coherence. I started to see coffee as a threat and quit coffee for about a month. Initially I was depressed but later it didn’t matter.
When I had a chance to have a coffee later, I didn’t like the bitter taste and the coffee smell. And I was super excited to know that I don’t like coffee anywhere. I was bragging everywhere I went , that I quit caffeine and I don’t even like the smell of it. I was proud that I quit coffee. I have read many blog posts and articles where “people have quit meat, sugar, caffeine, dairy products and how happy and healthy they are”. I didn’t even know why I thought quitting coffee would get me out of all my misery. Perhaps I was brainwashed by those articles and posts.
Now comes the most interesting part that led me to another realization. I was as usual working on my 9 to 5 job. I work from home. My father was reading the newspapers with the entrance doors kept open. Around 11:00 AM, I smelled the aroma of coffee (someone from my neighboring flats was brewing coffee). The smell lingered around for almost an hour. As I said earlier, I stopped liking coffee and its aroma after I quit (for a month). I got so irritated with the smell and the day passed.
This continued for about 2 weeks. I started to hate the time from 11:00 AM to 12:00 NOON and I got completely drained by constantly smelling the aroma and telling myself that I didn’t like this. Everyday I started to get anxious around that time and I wasn’t able to focus on my work.
One day, it suddenly hit me that my denial of smelling the coffee aroma is so tiring and it is not the actual aroma of coffee. WOW! I also noticed that my breaths during that time became super shallow. But why am I denying the aroma to enter into my system? I got the answer immediately, “If I breathe deeply along with the aroma, it means I accept Coffee but I should not accept coffee because coffee makes me anxious”. So, why did I quit coffee if coffee is not the one that made me anxious?
This made me realise that my mind is the one tricking me to not accept coffee because I don’t want to drink coffee. It aligned with my intention to stop drinking coffee. I started to suffer because of the shallow breaths.
Finally, I consciously took a deep breath with the aroma and accepted Coffee. My anxiety stopped, my breath returned normal and I was at peace. I started to drink coffee again but this time I didn’t feel any bitterness and enjoyed it so much more than I usually used to. The lesson I learned is “My mind is the reason for the anxiousness and not coffee or any external elements”. I also learned that “whatever I have, I should have it whole-heartedly and cherish it”. I gave myself the freedom to drink coffee.
Last Sunday, my brother was watching a movie called “Keluarga Super Irit”, and when I was passing by I heard this dialogue “Life is like Coffee. If we don’t learn to enjoy it, all we’ll taste is bitterness”. I was like “Ha! I had a real life experience of that and how valuable it is”. I started to feel grateful for being able to enjoy the coffee.